The ROYFAM Story

Yep, 79 days...just over two months...I ask Chat GPT all the time because I find the days feel like one long one sometimes and when I am in the mood to ask how many days, I don't even have the mental capacity to look for myself.  Im grateful for computers I can just ask....I do know when its the weekend though...I hate it!  Weekends used to be for family, for rest and hanging together and now I hate them.  I fill the week with busy work.  Gardening, groceries, yardwork, reinventing my gardening and yardwork...then Friday rolls around and my head goes into the clouds.  I miss my constant date.  Not gonna lie, sitting here at 11:00pm on a Saturday night I just hate being alone.  Quiet house, nothing good on tv and hanging onto any and all messages from people reaching out to me but feeling bad I'm such a bummer so I try to close the conversation so I don't sound pathetic.   I know people understand.  I get invited to do things but sometime...

 Monday was Jean's birthday.  Full of emotions and indecision about what to do to celebrate him.  I decided to keep it normal.  His favorite meal for dinner and one of the only times he would partake in sweets was on birthdays (besides his love for @theblushinghen bakery stand/Tracie's chocolate chip cookies).  Got his favorite Alfred Tracks ice cream from Shaker Pond Ice Cream to share with the kids.  No song, just steak tips, roasted potatoes, asparagus followed by the treat.  I miss him so much! Thursday made 8 weeks since his passing.  How is it even possible....time goes on...etc etc. you know what Im saying!  I sold his boat that day, no surprise, I cried again.  Kids talked me into a burger for dinner at a local spot after the sale and I was glad to get out.  Saw some familiar faces and didn't cry until I was back in the car for home.  It’s the quiet times that my head screams the memories and I honestly can't believe th...

 The days will pass and its over a month before you know it.  I've had some hard days and I've had some days I feel so loved its easier to carry on but I wouldn't erase the love we had for these hard days! It's 4:51am as I write this.  I woke over an hour ago from my sleep with my brain rushing with thoughts of things I still need to do.  Its a never ending list in my brain.  Can't shut it down and really, don't want to.  It gives me a needed and wanted feeling and right now, things are just a little lonely sometimes.  My kids give me so much strength.  I have always told them with life comes death.  Didn't expect I would get more than my fair share of unexpected loss so close to my heart: my dad, my sister-in-law, my own battle with cancer and my soulmate.   I could wallow, walk around sad and depressed all the time but life means more to me now than ever....leaving me to think, did all the loss teach me anything about my own life....

 Sundays are for rest.... Today I took it slow.  I purchased some yellow flowers for the planters in the yard.  Im feeling I need the pop of yellow to pick me up, not my normal go-to.  I'm a really big fan of pink...but today yellow pansies.  I saw Allison and Tracy and chatting with them was great.  I am too social and generally happy to stay home in a ball.  I'm trying to get away from saying I'm "hanging in there" and today I said "I am so grateful for the amazing love I have been shown...almost 40 (combined) years with an amazing man, our grown children handling these last few years with more understanding and support for each other than some adults I know!  I find myself going back to my 19-year-old self and her struggles when my dad died in a plane crash and took our family by shock.  How I processed the situation then and grew to teach my children to speak of death, expect it will come and know they will be okay!  They know they h...

I've had some emotional struggles these last few days.  I was getting ready to call it a day when I noticed my girl had made a post on facebook.  Im copying her words here for those who dont have facebook.  I am so incredibly proud of these kids of mine!!  They are tough!! The past 17 months have changed our family forever. Watching my dad go through ALS and FTD was something I can’t fully put into words. What he carried, physically and emotionally, was more than most people will ever understand, but he did it with so much strength, honesty, and love. As a family, we did everything we could to support him. Being a caregiver for someone you love means wanting to do anything and everything to help and keep them. My mom carried that in every moment, and alongside my siblings and I, we stood by him through every step. But through it all, my dad knew exactly what he wanted. I was always amazed by how strong-willed and certain he was in that. My dad was always clear about ...

You can never imagine the moment...but then it happens...and then its gone.  Today I decided to clean the closet, just to keep my mind occupied.  I've been procrastinating taking care of my side and trying to take over his side for years!  I was fine with pulling his button shirts of hangers and gathering the jeans but when I opened the drawer that held his t-shirts, underwear and keepsakes, my eyes welled up.  But I refuse to wallow...we knew what was coming and we were all pissed about it too!  We were blessed with an extra 14.5 months with him and we did not waste it.  We said what we needed to say, we teased and laughed.  We aren't perfect by any means but the atmosphere here was healthy for all.   I can't believe its already been a week!  I'm sure he's walking with old friends, his parents and hopefully spending time with God.  You know, his mom wanted him to be a priest when he was young!  He attended Catholic school, was...