You can never imagine the moment...but then it happens...and then its gone.
Today I decided to clean the closet, just to keep my mind occupied. I've been procrastinating taking care of my side and trying to take over his side for years! I was fine with pulling his button shirts of hangers and gathering the jeans but when I opened the drawer that held his t-shirts, underwear and keepsakes, my eyes welled up. But I refuse to wallow...we knew what was coming and we were all pissed about it too! We were blessed with an extra 14.5 months with him and we did not waste it. We said what we needed to say, we teased and laughed. We aren't perfect by any means but the atmosphere here was healthy for all.
Today I decided to clean the closet, just to keep my mind occupied. I've been procrastinating taking care of my side and trying to take over his side for years! I was fine with pulling his button shirts of hangers and gathering the jeans but when I opened the drawer that held his t-shirts, underwear and keepsakes, my eyes welled up. But I refuse to wallow...we knew what was coming and we were all pissed about it too! We were blessed with an extra 14.5 months with him and we did not waste it. We said what we needed to say, we teased and laughed. We aren't perfect by any means but the atmosphere here was healthy for all.
I can't believe its already been a week! I'm sure he's walking with old friends, his parents and hopefully spending time with God. You know, his mom wanted him to be a priest when he was young! He attended Catholic school, was an altar boy and wouldn't kiss me in the Church until we were legally married! Always frustrated me because I loved to kiss him! (SORRY KIDS). I waited patiently and got what I wanted....to be his wife and kiss him in front of the faith-full folks at church and...whenever I wanted to!
Its funny what you noticed when someone has been away for 7 days....habits they had, who took care of certain things in the household. Jean kept the toilet paper holder full, backup paper towels within a short reach and the paper plates and napkins were always well stocked. I noticed because today they are all empty. I don't get upset that nobody is noticing or refilling but I do wonder who else notices. They were simple tasks he could do as well as tell me when the laundry was getting too high in the closet and I needed to wash it. (We used to share the job but he got too weak to lift the basket and his arms couldn't handle the folding....even now I say, well played Jean, well played!) Its no secret that I would do anything for him, stinky socks and all!
I have gotten a few notes now stating that our story has gotten folks to put their affairs in order, financial and estate pieces! Talk to your kids so they know what you want...don't leave them a mess to sort out! I was so lucky Jean knew what he was doing all those years ago when he put most of these things in place but honestly, I didn't understand most of it! I have been trying to educate myself and my financial planner is wonderful at taking the time to explain so much to me. I have to shout out to the folks that called me early and told me about SSDI and short/long term disability....I had no idea!
We are healing over here. Kids have returned to work schedules and continue to check on me. I really feel like I'm okay! I hated seeing him sick. I knew he wanted to do things his body refused to do. I am so sorry for anyone out there that doesn't have the support of family and friends when it comes to their decisions. Support the one who is sick - keeping them around because you will miss their presence isn't my idea of honoring them....but I have known Jean's wishes since we were young.
MAID: I am so happy to hear that I was not the only one who was not aware we had the option for Medical Aid in Dying in the State of Maine. It comes with some hard lines about who qualifies and generally a doctor will NOT suggest this option so you would have to ask them! I personally feel that we should all have the right to choose our ending and I don't understand how we live in the land of the free and still cannot put it in writing with our primary physician what we would want. Off my soapbox for now!
Time to rest and reflect. Cameron and I brought my beloved home in a beautiful little white box that some kind folks, who seem to adore my Marleigh as much as I do, gave her with a lovely plant inside. I do believe they were intending this resting place as its purpose. I am grateful for Cameron for coming along and thankful to Mar's work family in more ways than one! 
Again, Thank you ALL who reach out to me! Yes, I get a lot of messages but boy do I love to see the love in my inbox/text messages/phone calls. Writing here is therapeutic for me....
~kel
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