THE THIRD MORNING....

 The days will pass and its over a month before you know it.  I've had some hard days and I've had some days I feel so loved its easier to carry on but I wouldn't erase the love we had for these hard days!

It's 4:51am as I write this.  I woke over an hour ago from my sleep with my brain rushing with thoughts of things I still need to do.  Its a never ending list in my brain.  Can't shut it down and really, don't want to.  It gives me a needed and wanted feeling and right now, things are just a little lonely sometimes. 

My kids give me so much strength.  I have always told them with life comes death.  Didn't expect I would get more than my fair share of unexpected loss so close to my heart: my dad, my sister-in-law, my own battle with cancer and my soulmate.   I could wallow, walk around sad and depressed all the time but life means more to me now than ever....leaving me to think, did all the loss teach me anything about my own life..yep and another reel on social media gave me the words...

            "Life is beautiful because we know its not forever.  We are on loan to each other."

Lately I have been thinking a lot about educating people about the Medical Aid in Dying process.  As my kids age, they have to live with the thoughts that dementia may strike them in their later years.  After watching Jean and his mom so closely, I feel a need to fight to make the MAID option available at time of a dementia diagnosis.  Seems only fair for generations coming after us.  It usually is hereditary.  I don't know where to go to make this a fair fight. I just know what my family has been through.  I have friends that don't agree with how Jean chose to end his life but he had every right to control the narrative of his story and I honored HIS wishes.  It was NOT easy and nobody loved HIM more than me!  We had many conversations over our nearly 40 years together and we promised each other a say in things when they got "bad".  I don't ever want to be put away in a home not knowing who I am or recognizing my children.  I am trying very hard to be sensitive to people going through this kind of stuff currently.  Let's just say: if you know now what it's like to be a caretaker for your loved ones with Alzhiemers or dementia, or even just visit them in these situations, do you really want it for yourself or your children?  MAiD is not for everyone, I get that but having a choice is!  You didn't get a choice on entering this world but you've lived here, and its your body so why not get a choice in the exit?  Off my soapbox again.....

Changing my thoughts has been my go-to coping mechanism.  What matters right now?  My beautiful daughter, Makenna and her amazing husband Chandler are expecting their first baby!  I am so excited! I have known about it since Christmas when a coffee mug notified me of my promotion to "Grand" status!  Jean knew too and apologized to them in the last few days that he was sorry he wouldn't be able to meet their baby or be at Branden and Cait's wedding in June.  That alone tells you how desperate he was to control his life/death.  He was a family man and adored his kids more than anything.  We take comfort in thoughts that he is probably rocking his first grandbaby in Heaven!  Oh what a great Puppa he would have been!  

I am going to post a few of the maternity photos I did for the kids.  It was such an honor to be asked.  This one is of them under the tree my dad planted over 50 years ago.  They have purchased my mom's house and are making it their own so it was only fitting to use the back yard.  Makenna's emotional struggles through a pregnancy were so hard to watch.  She was so strong and absolutely amazing with Jean.  He was so lucky to have them all right here the last year!  Every night since they were little, we would lay in bed and talk about how great they were and what had happened through the day.  I continued the ritual until his death....just little reminders of "us".  

The house is starting to wake up now.  I will miss these days.  

Enjoy!
~kel~