How we started the New Year

 Over the holidays I was watching Jean decline rapidly.  He wasn’t sleeping.  He would attempt to go to bed, wiggle and thrash and then get up and tell me he was going to the living room to sit in his chair.  At first he would try to sleep in the chair and when he couldn’t settle he would turn on the lights and the tv..  I then learned he was making himself coffee in the middle of the night because he just couldn’t sleep.  His breathing was labored and he said that laying down in bed made it harder to breathe so he needed to sit up.  I got him a recliner so he could be partially upright.  Still I would check on him and find him hallucinating and sitting in the tripod position with his head down.  Talk about feeling helpless!   I didn’t know what I could do for him!  We tried gummies and they worked for a short time and then we called the doc for a prescription.  He prescribed trazodone.  I kept him on that for a few weeks because everything I read and was told said it needed a build-up in his body to work - seems silly that he can’t get something that will work faster - he hasn’t slept in weeks!!  I called him a zombie as he was there, awake and could answer me with short answers.  He zoned out most of the time.  

Thanksgiving was so quiet this year - we didn’t really know what to plan.  We were gifted a wonderful gift of a prepared Thanksgiving dinner by my sweet friend Jackie and her family!  It was all prepared by Whole Foods and we just needed to heat and serve.  We got so much food and it was so easy to prepare and delicious!   Everyone was impressed!it had everything from the turkey, all the sides and desserts!!!!  I got to choose what we had in our meal so I went for the traditional stuff!  Yum!! 

Makenna/Chandler and Branden/Caitlin were prepping my empty spaces here in the house into living quarters.  They came back home to help with Jean, save some money and make sure I felt supported.  Cam/Julia are just down the road and always make time to come visit!   You always wonder if you’re doing a good job as a parent and through the teen years you cry so much thinking you’ve failed but then this beautiful change happens and your kids show up!!  They show up for the rough times as willingly as the fun times and then you know you did ok!  People ask how we are doing all living together again and it’s so easy!!  They meal prep on Sundays, take shifts cooking dinner and get all the groceries…Jean and I just join them for meals and chats!  It’s a kind of peace you can’t imagine!!

Everyone was here for Christmas!  I focused on getting the traditional pajamas for everyone but my head wasn’t in the game for much more.  The kids were understanding and they swapped gifts making it less noticeable that I wasn't granting the wish-list this year.  Again, it was awesome for me!!  There was no time for me to go shopping, not much for funds to work with since Jeans job was gone and my brain was on overload with Jeans medical  stuff.   

After Christmas we didn’t do much that week.  Jean wasn’t up for much.  He wouldn’t drive anymore and even though he would tell me he was “fine” it was sad to see him always closing his eyes in hopes of a cat nap but he would start hallucinating and then wake up within a few minutes.  It was agonizing to watch.  

New Years Eve we spent with friends…our tribe.  The young bunch who never makes us feel like the older couple (even though there’s a good ten years between some of us).  They are our KeyWest friends - we had started a yearly tradition of visiting the Keys as A group of 16 and we continued getting together between vacations.  So many great memories!!  We had decided we would go enjoy the casual evening but even though Jean didn’t sleep he didn’t like leaving home much.  He was always cold - even with loads of clothes covering him he was freezing.  January 1 the day started kind of our new normal…I wake up (I would watch him most of the night on a small camera I set up to view from my phone), go to the living room to check on him - he was very lethargic and his only times out of his chair was to use the bathroom.  He said he was struggling a bit to have a bowel movement and I tried to get him to drink more and even hoped he would eat more but he was in rough shape.  

The day was quiet for the most part.  The evening came and as we got ready for bed he asked me to watch his breathing for a bit.  He said he felt dizzy and since it wasn’t like him to complain I began looking for answers.  I didn’t have an O2 monitor (it was on order) so decided to try my Apple Watch health settings to see if it would tell me anything.    I put it on his wrist and set the app up for the first time.  I waited but nothing really showed up.  I went to my desk and started looking up what his O2 should be at etc when my phone started notifying me of his details…his oxygen was low and when I googled that I decided we would make a trip to the hospital.  It was already 10:30 pm but that’s when sickness rears its head in the worn out bodies!!

We arrived at the ER and when they asked for his chief complaint I said “dizziness” when I should have said “trouble breathing”…they made him wait a bit before taking him in to triage.  Once in there, the triage nurse called down to the doc on call and we walked to a room where he was immediately put on nasal oxygen.  I watched him sleep for two hours!!  The most sleep he had had at one time in a few months!!!  Glorious to see…until the alarm sounded on the machine at the two hour mark.  Doctors and nurses came in and I was asking what was happening.  His carbon dioxide (C02) levels were bad - he would breathe in the oxygen but his body wasn’t getting rid of the C02.  Its the same as carbon monoxide poisoning in your house if you have a gas leak.  They placed a bipap mask on Jean and I watched his eyes get huge and he kept yelling NO! And shaking his head while I tried to remain calm and tell him he needed to be still and relax.  Eventually he did and returned to sleep.  They informed me he was being admitted - it was 3:00am when I was told.  They were preparing a room for him in ICU!  Luckily I have an amazing best friend who chatted with me via text all night - and my mom too - who never sounds sleepy on the phone no matter what hour it is!  By the time they were ready to move him it was close to 4:00 and we were brought upstairs.  I was asked to wait in the waiting room on the 4th floor and they would come get me. I waited a short time all alone (the hospital at night is creepy!!) and the NP came in to the waiting room - her words “he’s not doing well”.  I gulped and asked her what does that mean??  She explained they wanted to intubate him as he had stopped breathing…WHAT??  I never expected this to happen!!!  After a bit of information, I was listening to her and screaming inside my head when she commented again about intubation I said OK…she then asked me: “we can?!!!” And ran out of the room!  He has a DNR and she had to have known I wasn’t ready and either was he!  

More tomorrow…I’m sleepy….

~kel~